Deadspin Commenter Nickname of the Week

Another in the short list of "things that I won't stick with long enough to be funny" -- my first ever Deadspin Commenter Nickname of the Week. No one has created this user nickname yet, as far as I know, but it passes both tests: funny (you did watch it, didn't you?) and staying power (Heather Mitts...nuff said).

Rob Stone's Pimp Hand

With a nod to FH's Dave Warner for the phrase and a huge "we're better off for having known you" to Awful Announcing for the video.

Adrian Peterson, a fantasy keeper league steal

I base this on less than one half of a preseason game against the Jets, but Adrian Peterson is going to be phenomenal in Minnesota. I rarely watched him in college because, you know, fuck the Sooners. But against New York, Peterson could not be tackled by just one defender. He gained most of his yards after contact. He used the Madden juke move to hit the hole behind left tackle with no loss of speed. I would be scared...but the Vikings' passing game instills so little confidence that I'm willing to bet Minnesota will complete no passes farther than 10 yards downfield during the game in Chicago. Every team the Vikings face is going to put eight in the box and let Tavaris Jackson pretend like he's going to throw downfield. Peterson is still going to get plenty of yards -- and unless this preseason game is grossly misrepresentative of running ability, AP will be starting by October -- but the Vikes should have sent their QBs to Rex Grossman's Sex Cannon Training Camp in the offseason. There's only so much enjoyment you can get out of a 6-10 season that hits the under 12 times.

One area in which ESPN is still miles ahead of its competition: highlights background music. Fox's music tries too hard. One area in which Fox has the chance to separate itself from its competition: getting Pam Oliver more quality reps during the regular season. Pam has looked like an all-star on the sidelines during the preseason. I'd like to see Fox given the opportunity to have Pam interview the players that just sit on the bench when their unit is off the field, as well as starters that have been pulled late in blowouts.

Rui Costa 2, Copenhagen 1

Thanks to the liveblog at Portugoal, I got to witness (sort of) Freddy Adu's debut for Benfica. Adu came on as a sub in the 36th minute after Luisao was injured (not totally unrelated to Copenhagen's goal, I gather). Fortunately for Benfica, Rui Costa dominated the game, scoring both of his team's goals in the 2-1 victory. Unfortunately for Adu, Rui Costa plays Adu's favorite position, central attacking midfielder. It's great that Adu is playing in Europe, and in a Champion's League qualifier, but I'm guessing he played as a wing forward today. Seems like he had one somewhat dangerous flick header, one overly ambitious bicycle kick, and little else of note. Quite the unconvincing team effort today, it seems

In other UCL qualifying/USA news, it was DaMarcus Beasley's sub that scored the late winner as Rangers edged Red Star Crvena Zvezda (should I have heard of them before?).

Premier League Week 1: West Ham - Man City

The Premier League is underway! Who knows how long I'll keep this up, but Week 1 is like the first day of school -- I arrive way early, drenched with enthusiasm, trying to do every last thing I think I want to do. Eventually, I just do what I have to do. So we'll see.

Breakfast: Three-egg omelet with dill, prepackaged ham slices, orange bell pepper, and organic tomatoes. I'm learning as I go -- eggs by themselves should be cooked over low heat, but I think omelets demand higher heat because the rest of the ingredients are cold, and it would take for-freaking-ever over low heat. With kickoff less than five minutes away, up goes the heat, baby. Oh, and Twinings English Breakfast tea.

First Half

City starts out dominating the midfield. While I detest the lack of attacking possibilities that a lone striker offers -- think France playing two holding midfielders at last year's World Cup -- playing five in midfield when your opponent insists on four is a sure way to control possession. West Ham plays rather carelessly, giving away the ball at seemingly every opportunity. Petrov takes several shots from distance, and they're not bad shots, they're just not on goal. I'm impressed by how well-timed almost every challenge is and by how dangerous almost every cross is -- the Gold Cup and MLS have lowered my expectations. After a well-timed tackle on Boa Morte, the ball pops straight to Hamann, who releases Elano down the middle of the pitch with space to run at the West Ham defense. Elano directs Bianchi to his left, then simply runs around the defense to the right, plays a firm, curving ball perfectly back across between the keeper and Ferdinand for Bianchi to slide home from three yards out. 1-0 City. A rather simple goal, and poor defending by Upton to let Elano get around him, but watching Elano on the ball here was like watching Jason Kidd run a fast break.

West Ham looks to have settled. Bellamy is spending way too much time on the left wing, and any advantage he may have over Corluka in speed is more than compensated for by the Croatian's size. I used to think Bellamy was tall, but that could be because he's just insane. Bianchi clearly doesn't speak any English, and I have to wonder how team chemistry overcomes a language barrier. I can't think of an office job in which fluency with the predominant language isn't absolutely required, so I really don't know what it's like to be able to do your job without perfectly understanding your coworkers. Some chances for West Ham, some nice dancing in the box by Boa Morte, but it must be frustrating for the West Ham supporters to watch each attack wasted without a quality attempt at goal. Surely enough, they boo at the halftime whistle.

Halftime beer: St. Peter's English Ale. I'm a huge fan of St. Peter's Cream Stout, but in keeping with today's theme, I'm going with this English pale ale. My first thought was, "This smells like MGD." Seriously, this is a beer that should not be served directly out of the refrigerator. Much better aroma after it warms up a bit and other flavors have a chance to contribute. Decent beer, but I'm not spending $3.49 a pint to drink decent, so no repeat purchase on the horizon here.

Second Half

Live-blogging takes commitment. This is in no way live blogging. Beer + open laptop = less attention on a not-totally-enthralling game. West Ham uses all three subs at the break, and creates better chances in this half, including a great diagonal, lofted pass to the endline by Zamora to...some guy...who rifles the ball across the face of goal, just missing Ljungberg, who really just had his weight on the wrong foot to be able to react in time. City get a second goal after some great work by Onuoha sets up Giovanni in the right side of the box to bury a low shot inside the far-post. Wow, I have no tolerance. This is ridiculous. Cheaper this way, but still ridiculous.

Checking other scores...whoa, Spurs lose late at Sunderland. Hey, it's Week 1, I'm motivated, I'll stick around for the highlights. And Derby gets a point! At home, but still, it's Pompey, so not bad. Ohhhhhh...Tottenham, that is a weak goal. Four minutes into stoppage time. Way not to mark the guy right in the middle of the box.

Well, fun start to the Premiership. It's a rare Saturday that I've had a good breakfast and gotten tipsy before 11:00a.m. We'll see how long I can keep this up.

Chuck Norris

"Chuck Norris is the fire in which we burn."

Some of my coworkers were discussing "Chuck Norris Facts" and how the Chuckster doesn't seem to get any older. The above was my spontaneous, and hopefully original, contribution. It also made me wonder exactly where that Star Trek: Generations quote came from. A guy named Schwartz, naturally.

Why Johnny Mnemonic is awesome

Johnny Mnemonic is awesome, and it goes far beyond Keanu Reeves's performance. The best parts, though, can go unnoticed for the first several viewings. That's why I'm here.

With about 15 minutes left in the movie, Takahashi holds a gun and a katana while confronting Johnny, who is unarmed. The two slowly circle around each other, except the space is rectangular and narrow, so they practically have to squeeze by each other to switch sides. Now that is good filmmaking.

Trust and Parenting: why men are less likely to forgive adultery

Several of my female friends, under the influence of a few drinks, have argued that they would find it easier to forgive their boyfriend or husband for having sex with a random stranger than for having a close emotional friendship-relationship with another woman. I pointed out that this argument would still require, you know, actually forgiving the guy for sleeping with another woman. I can't imagine any reason to forgive a woman for cheating on me, and yet my female friends admit that they would forgive a man for just about anything.

I think the opinions above are representative of men and women in general: Men are less likely to forgive a woman's adultery than women are to forgive a man's. I wanted to find something biological, something instinctive, that could contribute to the difference. I think this is it:

A man needs to know that the child he is raising is actually his offspring.

When a couple has a child, there's no question who the mother is. The identity of the father is only in question to whatever extent the woman is not trustworthy. If a man knows that his wife has been unfaithful to him, he may wonder whether he is really the father of his wife's child. A woman faces no such uncertainty; if she gives birth to a child, she's the mother.

I know that a man can be a great father to children that are not his, but doing so is not proactively Darwinian -- it does nothing to pass along the man's genes. For a number of reasons, the genes that led a man to have his own children were more successful than the genes that led a man to help raise others' children instead of having his own. If a man is going to be monogamous, then, it wouldn't surprise me if he has an instinctive need to know that he is the only person his wife is going let knock her up.

Bo Ryan, AP Coach of the Year

It's official -- to me, at least. Bo Ryan will be the AP Coach of the Year. Year after year this award goes to a coach whose team bows out early in the tournament. Funny, I could see the award coming weeks in advance, and yet I still thought Wisconsin was a good pick to cover in the second round.

[UPDATE: Billy Gillispie won the real award. Here's a surprise -- Texas A&M lived up to its 3-seed, losing to 2-seed Memphis in the Sweet 16.]

College sports can't do math

This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen in the history of officiating. Miami made a shot to take the lead, and the ball went through the netting with at most 0.2 seconds left. The officials checked the replay and discovered that the clock started late after the preceding free throw, about half a second late, which means that more time should have elapsed. Not less time. And yet they added time back to the clock. How the fuck does this go unnoticed? By the announcers, the coaches, or...oh, wait...the officials themselves?

Someone's getting suspended for this.

Northwestern: "If only we had talent"

On Monday I wrote to John Gasaway about Northwestern's oddly high two-point field goal percentage. On Wednesday I watched with a critical eye from the nosebleeds in Welsh-Ryan. What did I learn? Basically, I learned what the Princeton offense looks like. [For anyone that knows me, this was a "brownies" moment. And for anyone that doesn't know me, it has nothing to do with weed.] I never learned, though, exactly how the Princeton offense is designed. So everything below is written as if I had never heard of the Princeton offense.

[Note that what I did learn came from the first half, as the second half turned into shooting practice for Roderick Wilmont and a fast break clinic for Northwestern. Only one of those was surprising.]

During the first fifteen minutes of the game, excluding a single five-foot hook shot from Tim Doyle, Northwestern took exactly two types of shots: three-pointers and driving layups. If a player didn't have a clear path to the rim, he didn't try to score from inside the three-point line. As layups go, Northwestern missed a lot of them, but they still shot 22-for-38 for the game on two-point attempts (this would include some jumpers after Indiana relaxed their perimeter defense).

Northwestern's offensive sets rarely kept a player in the low post. I recall Kevin Coble truly posting up no more than a couple times, and whenever Tim Doyle started in the post, it was usually so he could gain a physical advantage for getting back out to a high-screen position. Most of the time there were four players on or outside of the three-point line and a fifth player in the high post, by one of the corners of the free-throw line. To free up a three-point shooter against man-to-man defense, Northwestern primarily used screening handoffs and high screens off the ball. Most plays started with a pass into the high post followed by the passer cutting down the lane. They ran backdoor cuts, but most layup attempts came from a player getting an edge on his defender and just going to the rim.

I was surprised to find that Northwestern rarely ran into trouble with the shot clock. The only forced shot I can remember turned out to be a tip-layup. So why does Northwestern shoot so many three-pointers? Because their shooters display a Grossmanian lack of discrimination. If one of their shooters had his feet set and no defender immediately in his face, he took the three. Very few attempts were wide-open looks.

I can rationalize Northwestern's offensive actions: They look for a layup attempt or a three-point attempt; they take the first decent opportunity they're given, because they assume that a forced shot to beat the clock will deliver less than the 0.82 points they average on three-point attempts. As I said, I can rationalize it, but I don't know that Bill Carmody or any other Pete Carril disciples think of it in the same way.

Another guess is that Carmody doesn't have a backup plan. No coach expects his team to shoot under 30% from downtown, but it's not like changing up the offense can create more of the type of two-point shots they want to take. If the layups are there, they're there. If not, they can change what they do to use more of the area inside the arc, or they can keep jacking up threes. With the lack of talent on this year's team, Carmody may have felt a midrange game wouldn't have been any more successful than their current three-point game. Can't say I blame him -- I wouldn't be surprised if Northwestern's 50% on two-point attempts came from 60% on layups and 30% on jumpers. Why take 0.6 points for a two-point jumper when you can take 0.8 or 0.9 for a three-pointer?

[Okay, now you can pretend I've heard of the Princeton offense, because I'm about to make some random but related comments.]

Georgetown. I'm not at all surprised that they lead the nation in two-point field goal percentage. I (gleefully) watched them beat Duke last year when Shelden Williams perplexingly guarded his man out beyond the three-point line, and the Hokies Hoyas ran so many backdoor plays they had to put "NSFW" on the link to the game recap. So we know Georgetown likes to go to the hole. [Wow, I'll stop.] What does surprise me is how few of Georgetown's shots get blocked. I would think that block rate would increase as shot distance from rim decreased. Roy Hibbert helps, of course. But maybe I should watch a Georgetown game (ya think?) to see from where they actually take their shots.